T.V. REVIEW: The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror XXIII

I look forward to The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror episode every year (read my list of Top 10 Treehouse of Horror Segments here), even though they have (mostly) been a disappointment for the past several years. I watched my Treehouse of Horror DVD before I watched this year's installment, which was a mistake because the new episode pales in comparison with the classic episodes.

In the opening sequence, the Mayans calculate the end of the world as being on December 21, 2012, but they plan on avoiding it by appeasing the gods with a human sacrifice: Homer.

But Marge saves Homer by tricking Moe into being sacrificed instead. Since they sacrifice the wrong guy, the world is doomed and, in the present day, Mayan Gods destroy the Earth.

I thought this was hilarious, topical and a great start to Treehouse of Horror XXIII (I especially liked the Mayan Crazy Cat Lady, throwing lizards instead of cats).

The Greatest Story Ever Holed

In this segment, Lisa has convinced Springfield to build a particle accelerator instead of a baseball stadium. But when two particles crash into each other, they create a black hole. Lisa warns everyone that throwing garbage into it could make it bigger, but they all ignore her warnings (Homer even starts a business called Magic Craphole Waste Removal).

I wasn't blown away by this segment, but it had its moments. The ending was especially funny.

UNnormal Activity

In this parody of Paranormal Activity, strange things have been going on in the Simpson household and Homer is determined to catch it all on camera.

This was by far the best segment in the episode. Anyone who has seen Paranormal Activity will appreciate this parody.

Bart & Homer's Excellent Adventure

Bart is outraged that a comic book that says 25 cents on the cover is now being sold for $200. Comic Book Man says "The only way to buy that comic for 25 cents is to go back to 1974." So Bart takes Professor Frink's time machine to 1974 to buy the comic and inadvertently meets Homer and Marge.
Bart prevents Homer from dating Marge, changing the future for the family.

This segment had so much potential, but instead, was a huge disappointment. It started as a funny parody of Back to the Future, but then the plot became nonsensical with a bunch of Homers throughout time coming to the future (or present?) to woo Marge. Definitely the worst segment of the bunch.

Overall, I wasn't impressed with this year's Treehouse of Horror offering. But it was worth watching just for the UNnormal Activity segment.

Rating: 3/5

A Bunch of Book Reviews

I haven't blogged much in the past few months and now I have a lot of books to review. So I'm going to review them in groups rather than a post per book because otherwise I won't get around to reviewing them all.

Slugs by Shaun Hutson

I thought this book about human-eating slugs would be more entertaining than it actually was. The main character - the health inspector, which he is referred to in the novel so much that I don't remember his name - was so dull. The characters were all one-dimensional, boring and I really didn't care if they were eaten alive by slugs or not.  And the explanation behind why slugs suddenly grew teeth and started taking bites out of people made no sense.

Okay, I guess maybe I expected too much from a book about killer slugs. I didn't completely hate it - there are a few good, gory scenes that I enjoyed. If you read it with low expectations then you might like it more than I did.

This was also made into a 1988 film of the same name. I haven't seen it but I think the story might work better as a movie.

Rating: 3/5

Mandibles by Jeff Strand

This is another book about killer insects, this time ants.

I enjoyed Mandibles much more than Slugs. It's funnier, has more interesting characters and the existence of the giant killer ants is explained better and actually makes sense (as much as the thought of insects eating humans can I suppose).

The Kindle edition is available for only $2.99.

Rating: 4/5

Stranglehold by Jack Ketchum

As I've already said before on this blog, Jack Ketchum is my favourite horror author. So when Crossroad Press started releasing some of Ketchum's novels as cheap e-books, I was thrilled and bought a bunch of them for my Kindle - including this one.

Stranglehold reminds me a bit of The Girl Next Door because they both deal with child abuse, only this book isn't quite as gruesome. It's still very disturbing and realistic though. I don't want to give too much away about this book so I'm simply going to say it's amazing and I think all horror fans should read it.

Rating: 5/5

The Nightrunners by Joe R. Lansdale

This book is a lot like the movie Straw Dogs, but with a supernatural twist.
After a woman, Becky, is raped, she goes on a vacation to a cabin with her husband, Montgomery, to help them forget about it. Montgomery feels bad about his inability to protect his wife and claims to be a pacifist to cover up the fact that he's a coward.

The man who raped her is sent to prison and hangs himself. But he was the leader of a gang that is involved with an evil entity called The God of the Razor. It wants death and destruction - and for them to finish what they started and kill Becky.

The Nightrunners is incredible - definitely one of the best horror novels I've ever read. It's suspenseful, has an interesting plot and likable characters. If you haven't already read it, do it now!

This is the first book by horror legend Joe R. Lansdale I've read, but after reading The Nightrunners, I'll definitely be reading more. I bought The Complete Drive-In because I heard it was good, but have yet to read it.

Rating: 5/5

Ghoul by Brian Keene

Like It by Stephen King, Ghoul is a coming-of-age tale where a group of kids battles a monster. The trio of boys in this book make a clubhouse in a cemetery where they come across a ghoul.

I loved everything about this book - I even liked it more than It (which I found to be waaay too long and boring in spots). I highly recommend it to all horror fans.

Ghoul was made into a movie for Chiller which aired April 13 starring Nolan Gould (Luke on Modern Family), but unfortunately I couldn't watch it because Chiller isn't available in Canada. Hopefully it comes out on DVD soon so I can watch it. Has anyone seen it? I'm curious if it was as good as the book.

Rating: 5/5

Suffer the Flesh by Monica J. O'Rourke

I actually hadn't read anything by Monica J. O'Rourke when I interviewed her last year for Women in Horror Recognition Month. In the interview she said "My co-author (Wrath James White) said he approached me to write Poisoning Eros with him after reading Suffer the Flesh because he was shocked a woman had written it. I get that a lot, how people are surprised a woman could write something so extreme. I’ve been told I 'write like a guy.'" That made me want to seek out her work even more. When Suffer the Flesh was released as an e-book for a mere $2.99, I bought and read it immediately.

I can definitely see how others could be surprised that a woman wrote it. Suffer the Flesh is extremely gory and features many rape scenes. It's about an overweight woman (Zoey) who is captured off the street in New York after browsing the self-help/diet section of a bookstore and is taken to a secret research centre where they "help" women lose weight by raping and torturing them. 

I enjoyed this book a lot. It was suspenseful - I couldn't stop reading because I wanted to find out how (or if) Zoey would get out of this situation. I also found Zoey to be a very sympathetic character. I could relate to her weight loss struggles and hoped she would get out of there alive. I recommend this book for people who can handle extreme gore - including sadistic rape.

Rating: 4/5 

Dismember by Daniel Pyle

This is a backwoods novel with a twist. When a young boy is "rescued" by a man who lives in the woods after surviving a car wreck he has no idea that worst is yet to come.

Then the narrative moves forward several years and the boy has become a man not unlike his captor. Now he's looking for a new family to replace his.

The only thing I enjoyed about this novel was the first chapter. The plot is boring and excruciating slow. It took me a whole month to read Dismember and I struggled to finish it. There's no action or suspense. Other than the car accident in the beginning, there are maybe two deaths in the whole book. With a title like Dismember and a cover with a bloody axe, I expected it to have much more gore.

If you're still interested, it's available for Kindle for $3.99, but I recommend skipping this one.

Rating: 2/5

Super Fetus by Adam Pepper

When a fetus realizes its mother's intentions of having an abortion it begins working out so it can stand a chance against the doctor. But when it defeats the doctor its mother takes matters into her own hands....

Super Fetus was the first bizarro book I've read and I enjoyed it a lot. Weird and disturbing yet highly entertaining. At times I would be laughing, then read the next few pages and stop reading in disgust. Well, there were only a few moments in the book that I found gross, but they were very gory/disturbing (just thinking about them now makes me shudder). Recommended for horror fans looking for something different and humorous.

Rating: 4/5

T.V. REVIEW: Simpsons Treehouse of Horror XXII

Hurray! The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror XXII is actually airing before Halloween this year! So I thought I should review it since I haven't blogged about anything Halloween-related yet this year (sorry about that!).

In the opening sequence, Marge is a Switch Witch. After the kids eat some of their candy, she takes the rest and replaces it with toothbrushes, dental floss and mouthwash. Then Homer is supposed to drop it off at Candy for Troops, but instead he drives to Candy Eating Peak to gorge himself and falls down a canyon, getting stuck under a rock in a funny spoof of 127 Hours.

This Treehouse of Horror episode was a bit of a disappointment compared to some of my favourites (read a list of my Top 10 Treehouse of Horror Segments here), or even last year's episode (read my review here), but that is probably because I haven't seen any of the movies/T.V. shows  which are spoofed. Here are the segments:

The Diving Bell and the Butterball

In this parody of The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, Homer is paralyzed by a spider bite and learns to communicate through farting.

This segment is mostly fart jokes, so I didn't find it very funny. Also, not only have I not seen The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, I have no idea what it's about and have never heard of it until now. At least with the others, I have an idea of what they're about. But there are still a few laughs at the end when another spider bites Homer and he becomes a Spiderman who shoots webs from his ass when he farts.

Dial "D" for Diddly

Ned Flanders begins murdering "evil" people when he believes God is telling him to in this parody of Dexter.

As I've already said, I've never seen Dexter - I know I should probably watch it, I'm sure I'll get to it eventually - but despite this, I still found this segment to be the funniest of the episode. I especially enjoyed the scene where Ned kills Patty and Selma. He puts a sign on the side of the road that says "Free Cigarettes" and then shoves a boulder on top of their car a la Wile E. Coyote.

In the Na'vi

In the future, Bart and Milhouse are sent to another planet to harvest Hilarium for Krusty the Clown, in a spoof of Avatar.

I found this to be the least funny segment of the episode. Unlike the others, this one just has Avatar-related jokes. I enjoyed seeing what Bart and Milhouse would look like if they were part of Kang and Kodos' race of aliens, but that was the only fun part of this segment.

Overall, I felt pretty "meh" about this year's episode. But it's worth watching for Dial "D" for Diddly and the opening.

Rating: 3/5

BOOK REVIEW: Chilling Tales edited by Michael Kelly

 This will be the last review of my special Canada day weekend.

Chilling Tales: Evil Did I Dwell; Lewd Did I Live edited by Michael Kelly is an anthology of 18 horror and dark fantasy tales by Canadian authors.

I didn't enjoy this anthology as much as the previous two I reviewed. I only enjoyed a handful of stories and didn't find any remotely creepy. The plots of most the stories are dull and unoriginal.

But I found a few entertaining. Here are my favourites:

In "Tom Chestnutt's Midnight Blues" by Robert J. Wiersma, a musician is haunted by the love of his life. An interesting story, or at least until the anti-climactic ending.

"Sympathy For the Devil" by Nancy Kilpatrick tells the tale of an awful man who is the cause of a fatal car accident and how he gets his comeuppance. A well-written story that actually has the reader rooting against the main character.

"The Needle's Eye" by Suzanne Church is about a virus that blinds those infected and has a vaccine that will make you cringe. An emotional story that makes you appreciate doctors, family and sight.

In "Looker" by David Nickle, a man becomes romantically involved with a strange woman. I know that isn't much of a description, but I don't want to reveal too much. This is my favourite story in the book because it's so strange. I've never read anything like it before.

Chilling Tales is an okay anthology. The best stories are worth reading, but because the others are disappointing, I would recommend getting it from a library or used. Submissions for volume two, Chilling Tales: In Words, Alas, Drown I, are currently being accepted.

Rating: 3/5

MOVIE REVIEW: Saw 3D

I'm not a huge fan of the Saw franchise. I think the first one is okay, the second one is good, but the third one kind of sucks and made me lose interest in the subsequent sequels. ...Until a few months ago when Saw V and Saw VI were playing back to back on Super Channel and I decided to watch them, expecting nothing more than gore. And, to my surprise, I actually enjoyed them. Not as much as Saw II, but pretty close. They actually made me want to see the newest installment, Saw 3D. And when my favourite actress from Scream Queens Season 2, Gabby West, won a role in the film, I wanted to see it even more. So after finally convincing my horror movie hating boyfriend to go with me, I've seen it and think it was just okay.

The plot is the standard Saw fare: lots of gore and inventive traps, but with a few twists thrown in. I was surprised by the major plot twist in the movie, but it didn't make sense in context with the rest of the films in the series. In general, there wasn't much of a plot, just massive amounts of gore, which is what I expected and was looking forward to.

The 3D was unnecessary. It definitely wasn't worth the extra $2.50, since it was barely noticeable save for a few instances of blood and guts flying at my face.

But the biggest disappointment in Saw 3D was Gabby West's role. She had no lines - other than screaming, of course. Chester Bennington (from Linkin Park) even had more lines than her! If I had to endure catfights with bitchy actresses, John Homa's brutal acting class and just generally working my ass off to win a part in a film where I didn't have any lines and was only onscreen for 30 seconds, I would not be impressed.  Especially while the previous winner of Scream Queens, Tanedra Howard, had several lines in Saw VI, and in Saw 3D. Oh well, hopefully we'll see more of Gabby in other films.

I probably would have enjoyed Saw 3D if Gabby had a larger role, they had made more use out of the 3D and the big plot twist wasn't disappointing. But it's not a terrible choice if you're just looking for lots of gore.

Rating: 3/5

MOVIE REVIEW: Borderland

Watching this movie made me realize how awful it will be to watch films without my mom. Her love of horror is the reason I got into it. Everyone I know is a chicken and refuses to watch them with me. Oh well, enough of the sob story, onto the review.

I've wanted to see this film for ages because I heard it's one of the better Horrorfest flicks and I love Rider Strong. It was released as a part of After Dark Horrorfest 2007, so it's only been out for three years.

The After Dark Horrorfest films always have intrigued me because they're "too graphic, too disturbing, and too shocking for general audiences". Or so they claim during the previews of the Horrorfest flicks. And it's exciting to have eight brand-new, never before seen horror films released all at once. Unfortunately, the few I've seen have been hit and miss. I still want to watch them all, though.

Borderland wasn't a complete miss, but I'm still disappointed after having sky-high expectations.

Based on true events which took place in 1989, Borderland tells the story of three college graduates who head to Mexico to party. But when one of them goes missing, the fun stops and their search for their friend leads them to a Satanic cult.

The plot isn't anything new, but the fact that it actually happened is chilling. And despite a few scenes of brutal violence, this film could be considered more of a drama or thriller.

But my biggest complaint is that Borderland takes awhile for something exciting to happen, and even then the pace is sporadic.

The performances are great, especially from Rider Strong, who I know as my crush on Boy Meets World, but most horror fans should know him from Cabin Fever. Apparently Sean Astin plays a bad guy in this film as well, but I didn't even notice until I looked up Borderland on Imdb later. If you're not familiar with Astin, I think he was Sam (?) in Lord of the Rings (not sure of his name because I'm not a big LOTR fan), but I know him best as Dave in Encino Man.

While it wasn't horrible, it wasn't great and I don't highly recommend it. It would make an okay rental, just don't set your expectations too high like I did.

Rating: 3/5

MOVIE REVIEW: Return to Sleepaway Camp

Sleepaway Camp is one of my favourite horror films. So when I found out Robert Hiltzik, the writer/director of the first film, was making a sequel which would star Felissa Rose, Jonathan Tiersten and Paul DeAngelo (Angela, Ricky and Ronnie, in the first film) I was thrilled. So thrilled that I waited two years until it came on TV so I could watch it for free.

I read several negative reviews of Return to Sleepaway Camp prior to watching it, which is one of the reasons I waited so long to see it. I ended up enjoying it a bit more than everyone else - probably because I lowered my expectations so much. But it's still not a great film or comparable to the first Sleepaway Camp.

It's summertime at Camp Manabe - formerly Camp Arawak - and a series of unfortunate "accidents" take place, causing co-owner Ronnie to suspect that Angela Baker is back to continue the gory murders she started 20 years ago.

The main character, Alan, was so irritating I just wanted him to die a slow and painful death the entire time he was onscreen. Alan was an immature asshole who was constantly whining about everybody picking on him. But everyone only teased Alan because he was a jerk, so it was impossible to emphasize with him. In the beginning of the film, I thought Alan was going to die first because he was so annoying and everyone hated him. Sadly, I was wrong.

The film doesn't focus on any of the other characters. When some of them were killed off I didn't even remember seeing them earlier. And all of the campers looked like they were 18, while all the counselors looked like they were 30.

The death scenes were pretty creative, but in order to happen the characters had to be unfathomably stupid (after seeing a sharp stick poke through a hole in the floor, one brilliant character decides to peer through the hole for five minutes), which took the fun out of them.

I already knew the "twist" ending because it is revealed on the Return to Sleepaway Camp IMDb page. But it's obvious, and I (hopefully) would've figured it out quickly, had I not already known what it was. I didn't expect this film to include a surprise ending though. The first film already had one of the most shocking endings I've ever seen and I don't know what other surprising secrets could be revealed about Angela.

The most exciting aspect of the film is also the biggest letdown. Felissa Rose reprises her role as Angela but she's only onscreen for a few minutes at the end of the film! Same with Jonathan Tiersten, who stars once again as Ricky, but is only in a few brief scenes. And the late Issac Hayes (voice of Chef in South Park) appears in his last role as Charlie the Chef. Which was awesome, except for the fact that he was barely in the film either.

Okay, all I've done in this review is bitch even though I've already stated that I didn't hate the film. And I didn't - it mildly entertained me, so I'm going to give it a 3/5. But I wouldn't recommend it to anyone else, unless you lower your expectations as far as they will go, like I did.

Robert Hiltzick is currently making a 3D follow-up to this film, Sleepaway Camp Reunion, which stars Alexis Bledel (Rory from Gilmore Girls!) and will be released in late 2010 or early 2011. It will show the return of Aunt Martha as well as Angela and Ricky Baker.

Rating: 3/5

BOOK REVIEW: The Freakshow by Bryan Smith

I love creepy carnivals in fiction so I decided to make The Freakshow my first Bryan Smith novel. I've accumulated a few of his books though the Leisure Horror Book Club and decided it was time to try one of them.

Mike makes the biggest mistake of his life when he decides to check out the traveling carnival and freakshow, along with the rest of the citizens of the small Tennessee town. Soon he's running for his life from a freak on slits. Meanwhile, Heather returns to her hometown to find out why she can't reach her mother. She walks in on her mother shooting a hideous clown. Mike and Heather realize that this carnival isn't about fun, games and candy floss, this one is all about grotesque freaks, torture and gore.

The novel tells the two main characters' (Mike and Heather) stories in alternate chapters, ending each one with a cliffhanger worthy of R.L. Stine.

There isn't much of a plot. Basically it's just freaks killing people in gruesome ways and the main characters trying to escape with a few twisted sex scenes thrown in. But the idea of alien freaks using a carnival to take over the world, one small town at a time, is unique and creepy.

Despite its lack of plot, the novel manages to hold your interest with its quick pace thanks to lots of gruesome action. That is, until the halfway point when I became bored of plotless gore scenes and struggled to finish reading it.

The poorly developed characters didn't help. I can't tell you anything about Mike or Heather's personalities because they don't have one. They're just the usual characters you would see in a slasher film: the average guy and the pretty (but dumb) girl. I didn't care about them so I wasn't interested in reading about their escape from the freaks. But the villains - the freaks - are interesting and their disgusting mutations are described in detail.

If you enjoy non-stop action and gore, and don't mind one-dimensional characters, check this one out. But if you're like me and can't get into a novel without intriguing characters, then skip it.

Rating: 3/5

MOVIE REVIEW: Memory (Horror Collector's Set Part 3)

Memory is more of a thriller/mystery film than a horror film and I don't know why they chose to include it on a horror collector's set. Plus it's not a bad film and doesn't deserve to be lumped together with the other crap in this collection (that I've watched so far...still keeping my fingers crossed that Wages of Sin won't suck).

Dr. Taylor Briggs (Billy Zane) has dedicated his life to curing Alzheimer's for his mother, who is afflicted with the disease. While giving a presentation on the disease in Brazil, he encounters a substance used in ancient tribal rituals to evoke memories of ancestors. This substance enables Briggs to relive memories of his ancestors in dreams. In particular, he sees young girls kidnapped and murdered, becoming obsessed with solving the mystery of the killer's identity - and of his own ancestry.

This film includes the requisite thriller features:

• Gaining information through Google searches/old newspaper articles
• The doctor friend who can get his hands on coroner's reports
• Breaking into houses to find more information
• Realizing the killer is onto you
• Confrontation with the killer, but getting away unscathed
  
• A twist ending, complete with a big showdown with the killer

Although it follows the standard thriller conventions, the main plot idea is unique. Even if it's far-fetched, the thought of reliving your ancestors' memories is interesting. It makes you wonder what you would see if that were actually possible. And just the thought of one of your ancestors being a killer who was never caught is chilling.

It's pretty slow in the beginning and takes a long time for Memory to grab your interest. I didn't really start paying attention until at least 1/4 into the film, but once it grabbed me, I was very engrossed in trying to figure out the identity of the killer. Unfortunately, there weren't many characters to suspect. But somehow the identity of the killer and the twist ending still took me by surprise.

The characters are a little bland (especially the Dr.'s love interest) but I empathized with Briggs since Alzheimer's runs in my family. Plus, I just love Billy Zane (especially as the bad guy in Demon Knight). Dennis Hopper, Tricia Helfer and Ann-Margret also have roles in the film.

Memory is a thought provoking thriller albeit slow and by the book. I wouldn't go out of my way to watch it. Check it out if it's on T.V. or you can grab it cheap enough.

Rating: 3/5

MOVIE REVIEW: Silver Bullet

I was planning on watching and reviewing this film before I found out about Corey Haim's death, which is weird. I've had it since before Halloween and this is the first time I watched it, so it's about time.

Based on Stephen King's novella, Cycle of the Werewolf, Silver Bullet tells the story of young Marty (Corey Haim), who is paralyzed and confined to a wheelchair. People in his hometown are being brutally slaughtered and the sheriff (Terry O'Quinn) can't find the identity of the killer. But Marty knows. The murderer is a werewolf and he needs the help of his sister (Megan Follows) and his uncle (Gary Busey) to kill it.

The first half of the film is very suspenseful. Lots of characters are killed by the werewolf, but for the most part, the gore is shown off-screen. But after Marty's encounter with the werewolf the pace slows down. The film felt longer than 90 minutes.

The identity of the werewolf was very surprising. I had no clue. And I was shocked at his reasoning to kill certain people. He really didn't need to have a motive, he's an animal, but I still thought it was an interesting twist.

Everyone in the film gives a great performance. I've loved Megan Follows since Anne of Green Gables. Corey Haim does a fantastic job as Marty. I can't believe he's gone....

Rating: 3/5

MOVIE REVIEW: The Howling

I already mentioned in my review of Gary Brandner's novel, The Howling, that I'm not too fond of the film and enjoyed the book more. It's not a bad film, but the pace in the movie is much slower than in the book (surprising, I know). It takes too long for the werewolves to enter the film and I was bored throughout most of it.

Obviously I was exaggerating in my book review of The Howling when I said all the film and book have in common are werewolves and the main character's name.

Here are similarities between the two (contains spoilers):

• Main character Kayrn and her husband Bill (named Roy in the book)
• Werewolves
  
• Criminal Eddie (in the film)/Max (in the book) Quist attacking Karyn, resulting in her nervous breakdown and being told by her therapist to spend some time in the country to relax
• Character Chris Halloran, a friend of Kayrn and Bill/Roy, and savior of Karyn
  
• Character Marcia (last name Lura in the book, Quist in the film)
• Strange neighbours
• Kayrn and Bill/Roy's marital problems
  
• Bill/Roy's affair with Marcia
• Bill/Roy getting bitten by a werewolf
• Werewolf sex scene

There are actually more similarities than I thought. The biggest difference - and what made the film pale in comparison - is that the book is a simple werewolf story whereas the film has a complicated plot involving Karyn's career as a news anchor, serial killer Eddie Quist, her amnesia after her encounter with him, etc. I suppose they thought the book didn't have enough of a plot to make a movie. But all these extra plotlines just bored me and I found myself sitting there wondering when they were going to get to the werewolves.

The best part of the film were the werewolf transformations. It looked very realistic how they slowly sprouted pointy ears and claws. This even redeems the film a bit because once the werewolves finally are shown they look so cool that you forget how long it took for them to appear.

I've always thought that you should read a novel before seeing the movie based on it, and I try to do so, but I've learned something: a book can ruin a movie, but a movie can't ruin a book. You can still enjoy a book after you've seen the film because it's usually so different (trust me, I've done it enough with Stephen King). But when you see a film based on a book you like, you spend the whole time comparing it to the novel (why didn't they include my favourite character, scene, etc.). So from now on I'm going to watch whatever movie I want, regardless of whether or not I've read the book.

Rating: 3/5

BOOK REVIEW: The Keeper by Sarah Langan

After reading and enjoying Sarah Langan's most recent novel, Audrey's Door, I decided to try her first novel, The Keeper. I didn't like it as much as Audrey's Door, but it wasn't bad for a first novel.

There is something wrong with Susan Marley. The residents of the small town of Bedford, Maine cross the street when she approaches and blame her for all their problems; especially for the terrifying things that dominate their dreams. But it's not just Susan, the whole town is haunted thanks to its sinister past and dark secrets.

I've read a lot of comparisons of this novel to Stephen King. It seems every good horror novel is compared to King (especially ones that take place in Maine) and the author is heralded as "the next Stephen King." But The Keeper is probably the novel I have read that comes closest to King. Langan has descriptive prose (which can at times bog down the story), a few deep characters and TONS of one-dimensional characters who only make a brief appearance, and a dramatic ending where many people die, making up for the rest of the book being slow.

The plot of The Keeper was unique, involving a whole town being haunted instead of the usual house.

The pacing felt odd. For the most part the novel was slow, but for a few chapters an exciting plot development would take place and the pace would be fast, and then go back to being slow. It wasn't really a gradual build-up, it was more like short bursts of excitement and then back to being slow. About halfway through the book, a part titled "Resurrection", which should have been the most exciting part judging by the title, was actually the slowest part and it took me a long time to get through it. I almost gave up on the novel, but I'm glad I got through it because the finale was exciting, gory and had a frantic pace.

The atmosphere was dark and eerie. Imagining the town where every year it rains for seven days straight, gave me chills. And a brief scene when the main character is chased by a monster through a cemetery creeped me out. I was disappointed when the monster didn't make another appearance in the novel.

There are several characters in the novel, the main ones being very well-developed. The secondary characters mostly just provided the gory death scenes and made the town well-rounded and seem more real. Langan even had the ability to make Susan Marley, the supposed villain of the novel, likable.

The Keeper is an interesting novel despite its slow pace and if you can get through the boring parts, you'll be rewarded with the thrilling finale.

Rating: 3/5

MOVIE REVIEW: The Final Destination

The Final Destination franchise is one of my favourites. The first Final Destination film is the only movie I can remember watching twice before returning it to where I rented it. And I have seen it at least 20 times since then. I even love the two sequels almost as much as the first. So I was thrilled when I heard there was going to be a new entry in the franchise and that it was going to be in 3-D. Unfortunately, I never got to see it in theatres and just watched it recently. It isn't as good as the first three.

When Nick (Bobby Campo) has a premonition of a crash at a raceway track killing everyone in the audience, he freaks out, saving the lives of a few people. But the survivors don't survive for long because Death is still after them.

The most disappointing part of the film was the part that usually makes the Final Destination films great: the inventive kill scenes. Some of them were good (especially the opening scene) but many were so unbelievable that I couldn't enjoy them. And none of them were as memorable as deaths in the previous films. When I think of the Final Destination franchise, I remember someone getting hit by a bus, elevator decapitation and people being burnt to a crisp in a tanning bed. I can't remember any of the deaths in The Final Destination and I just watched it. Maybe the deaths would've been better if they were in 3-D.

The cast of The Final Destination was fairly lousy, mostly comprised of unknowns. This really disappointed me because all the rest of the films in the franchise have featured one of my celebrity crushes. Final Destination had Devon Sawa who I have loved since I was 10 and saw him in Wild America with JTT. Final Destination 2 had James Kirk who played my favourite character on Canadian teen drama Edgemont. Final Destination 3 had Ryan Merriman who I have loved since I saw him in several Disney Channel movies (Smart House, The Luck of the Irish, etc.) when I was younger.

But for all my complaints, it still entertained me. I think I would've enjoyed it more if I had watched it in 3-D.

Rating: 3/5

BOOK REVIEW: Wilding by Melanie Tem

About the Author

Melanie Tem is the author of Prodigal, Blood Moon, Wilding, Making Love (with Nancy Holder), Revenant, Desmodus, Witch-Light (with Nancy Holder), The Tides, Black River, Daughters (with husband, Steve Rasnic Tem), Slain in the Spirit and The Deceiver; and the collections Daddy's Side, Beautiful Strangers (with Steve Rasnic Tem) and The Ice Downstream: A Short Story Collection. Tem won a Bram Stoker Award for Best First Novel with Prodigal.

Review

Wilding is a saga about a family of female werewolves, focusing on the family living in present-day Colorado. The clan has been split in two: the city family, living in a quartet of brick houses built by their ancestors, with matriarch Mary, her daughter Ruth, Ruth's daughter Lydia and Lydia's pregnant teen daughter Deborah; and the country family, living in a cave in the mountains, controlled by Mary's sister Hannah, and her several daughters (there are no sons because if a boy is born, they kill him, no husbands because they are only used to make babies and then killed). Deborah runs away when the family decides she isn't ready for the initiation, prompting them to search for her.

The plot focuses more on the dysfunctional family and subplots (Deborah living on the streets with a homeless man, Ruth and her cousin Marguerite attempting to take over the family, Lydia's new friendship/lesbian relationship with a co-worker) than it does on the werewolf aspect. It felt as if the werewolf plot was incidental and a few kills were described in passing.

The story of each woman is told in alternating chapters, making it a quick read when you want to find out what happens to a particular character and have to read through three chapters to return to her. And the mountain clan is barely mentioned. It would be more interesting if the main characters featured a few from the city and a few from the country, instead of all of them being from the city.

The description of Colorado and the houses, caves, mountains and werewolves, is very well-written, making me feel like I'm there and witnessing a person turn into a wolf. But at times the story gets bogged down with description. For instance, Tem will be writing about a major event - like Mary finding Deborah - and stop in the middle to write pages of description about a memory Mary has about that particular place. It becomes very distracting and irritating.

The characters are interesting, but being werewolves, they seem like they have no emotions. Most of the minor characters are so nice to them, but it's like they can't comprehend the kindness and lash out at them instead, making it difficult to like the characters. But I guess I'm just used to the werewolves being the villains instead of the protagonists.

Wilding is okay as a family saga, not-so-great as a werewolf novel. But I enjoy family sagas, so I'm giving it a 3. If you want to read a good werewolf novel, try The Howling by Gary Brandner, The Wolfen by Whitley Strieber or Ravenous by Ray Garton.

Rating: 3/5

BOOK REVIEW: Baby Dolly by Ruby Jean Jensen

About the Author

I couldn't find much about Ruby Jean Jensen, so I'm just going to write what was in the back of the book. Ruby Jean Jensen lives on twelve acres near Rogers, Arkansas with her husband and two dogs, a pug and a German shepherd. Writing novels is the fulfillment of a dream begun in childhood. She writes horror because so many individual lives seem to teeter on its threshold. Jensen has written a lot of horror novels, many of them featuring killer dolls. Here's a list of her novels:

• The House That Samael Built (1974)
• Seventh All Hallows' Eve (1974)
• House at River's Bend (1975)
• The Girl Who Didn't Die (1975)
• Satan's Sister (1978)
• Child of Satan House (1978)
• Dark Angel (1978)
• Hear the Children Cry (1981)
• Such a Good Baby (1982)
• The Lake (1983)
• Home Sweet Home (1985)
• Best Friends (1985)
• Wait and See (1986)
• Smoke (1987)
• Annabelle (1987)
• Chain Letter (1987)
• House of Illusions (1988)
• Jump Rope (1988)
• Pendulum (1989)
• Death Stone (1989)
• Mama (1989)
• Vampire Child (1989)
• Lost and Found (1990)
• Victoria (1990)
• Celia (1991)
• Baby Dolly (1991)
• The Reckoning (1992)
• The Living Evil (1993)
• The Haunting (1994)
• Night Thunder (1995)

Review

I think the pic of the cover is too small to see this, but at the top it says "In the chilling tradition of V.C. Andrews." Which is strange because this novel features no incest, it's about a killer doll.

Baby Dolly is about a baby doll that sucks the life out of people, specifically several generations of the same family. The book begins in 1882 with a girl, Sybil, receiving the baby doll and being disappointed because she thinks she's too grown up for dolls. So she places the doll in her sister's bed and the next day her sister is dead. When Sybil realizes that the doll did it, she hides it in the attic. The next part of the novel takes place in 1910, when Sybil is grown and has a family of her own. Then, 1950 when Sybil is a grandma and, finally, the present (which was 1991) where a family has inherited the house - and the doll.

Baby Dolly is the standard evil doll story: doll kills someone, no one suspects it, when someone does no one believes him/her, and when they finally believe they don't know what to do about it. Except this novel is like three short novels where the formula repeats itself. The book is 477 pages, which is too long for the simple plot.

The pace moves quickly during Book One, mainly because of the character of Rose, who is an unwed teenage mother in 1882. What her mother, Sybil, does to get rid of the baby is horrible. And the baby doll makes a few appearances. During the middle, the pace slows down a lot. The novel could have went from 1882 to the present day. We already know the doll is evil, the middle doesn't add anything new, and it's boring. But near the end, the story becomes really creepy when the doll starts crawling around and (somehow) opening and breaking down doors.

The characters aren't given much depth. There isn't much back story for any of them, except for Sybil who was cruel therefore I hated her and Gertrude who was nice, but dull, so I never really cared about her. But I did like Rose.

Baby Dolly is an okay entry in the killer doll subgenre, but it could have been better if the middle part was eliminated.

Rating: 3/5

BOOK REVIEW: Breeding Ground by Sarah Pinborough

About the Author

Sarah Pinborough is the author of The Hidden, The Reckoning, Breeding Ground, The Taken, Tower Hill, The Language of Dying, Feeding Ground (the sequel to Breeding Ground), and was featured in the anthology Waiting for October. Her next book is a departure from horror and will be published in March 2010. A Matter of Blood will be the first novel in a thriller trilogy. For more about Pinborough, visit her website, or check out these interviews.

Review

I used to belong to a Horror E-mail Book Club, where I would be sent the first 20 pages or so of a horror novel over the course of a week. But then they changed it to a thriller book club instead. I was really upset about it, and I still miss it. Anyway, that's how I became hooked on Breeding Ground. I read the first 20 pages of it, ending in the middle of a scene where Matt and Chloe are about to visit a doctor to find out what's wrong with Chloe, and I HAD to find out what happened next. Unfortunately, none of the local bookstores carried it anymore, since it had been published a few years prior, and I couldn't find it at used bookstores or the library either. I ended up going to The World's Biggest Bookstore on my birthday one year just to get that book. For all the trouble I went to to get it, I ended up being disappointed. I think I still have those Horror Book Club e-mails saved in my inbox if anyone wants me to forward them.

Matt and Chloe are expecting a baby, but instead Chloe gives birth to a creature which looks like a giant spider. The spiders (later named "Widows") use women as hosts, killing all females in England. After the death of his beloved Chloe, Matt goes in search of other survivors. He finds a few men and, surprisingly, a few women. Together they seek a safe haven, away from the Widows.

The story moves along quickly, gripping you from page one (as I've already mentioned) and keeps you wanting to read on to see if Matt will discover more survivors and if they will live through encounters with the Widows.

The apocalyptic plot isn't anything new, neither is having aliens use humans as hosts, but having the alien-type-thing be a big spider is unique. And the explanation for how the Widows came into being is interesting and all too realistic. But killing off almost the entire female population in Britain is pretty anti-feminist. I understand that it had to be women, because men can't give birth, but maybe Pinborough could have developed an idea which didn't involve all the women dying. There are a few women survivors, but there is no explanation why they survived while every other woman died. Also, there is no talk in the book about whether the Widows are terrorizing the whole world, or just England. You would think that's the first thing the characters would want to find out, so they can escape the Widows (like in 28 Days Later), but I guess they never thought of that.

The worst part of the novel is unfortunately the most important part: the characters. Breeding Ground is told from the perspective of Matt, who is kind of a douche. Immediately after the love of his life dies, Matt starts sleeping with one of the only female survivors. No one else trusts her because, well she's a woman and they just assume she will become pregnant with a Widow. But of course Matt trusts her, endangering all the other mens' lives, just because he hopes to bang her. And she's only 21! He even keeps mentioning how young she is compared to him. SPOILER ALERT (just highlight it to read it) After the 21-year-old dies, he starts sleeping with the other only surviving woman. First of all, how dumb is this woman? Secondly, why does he never care about any of his lovers, moving onto another immediately after one dies? Thirdly, why is this jerk such a ladies man and why does he get the affections of all England's remaining women? I never warmed to any of the characters, but Matt was the only one I really hated.

I haven't read the sequel, Feeding Ground, yet but I heard it doesn't have any of the characters from this novel, so maybe it will be slightly better. Breeding Ground isn't a bad novel, I love apocalyptic stories and this one is interesting and well-written, but all the women dying, the characters not trying to find out what's going on in the rest of the world and jerky Matt bothered me.

Rating: 3/5

BOOK REVIEW: Women of Darkness edited by Kathryn Ptacek

About the Editor

Kathryn Ptacek is the author of horror novels, Shadoweyes, Blood Autumn (pictured right), Kachina, In Silence Sealed and Ghost Dance, but has also written novels in several other genres, including historical fiction, romance, suspense and fantasy. She also publishes the Gila Queen's Guide to Markets, a useful tool for writers looking for outlets to publish their work. In 1989, her short story, Each Night, Each Year, was nominated for a Bram Stoker Award. Ptacek was married to late horror author Charles L. Grant. It was announced on January 25 that she will be this year's recipient of the Horror Writers Association Silver Hammer Award for being the volunteer who has contributed the most to the HWA. Ptacek is the editor of the HWA newsletter.

Review

In the introduction to Women of Darkness, Kathryn Ptacek explains how, out of curiosity, she grabbed a few horror short story collections and counted how many featured female authors, finding very few or none, which lead her to publish this "women only" collection of horror short stories.

I decided to do the same experiment, grabbing three random short story collections, finding The Museum of Horrors edited by Dennis Etchison has 4/18, Greystone Bay Vol. 1 edited by Charles L. Grant has 4/14 and Prime Evil edited by Douglas E. Winter has 0/13. I guess it shouldn't come as a shock seeing as how out of approximately 300 horror novels I own, only 20 are by women. Anyway, I'm glad that Ptacek came up with the brilliant idea of publishing an all-female horror short story collection. But I'm less than thrilled with the content. That may have something to do with the fact that I read the second volume first and thought it was amazing - very high quality, creepy stories - therefore was disappointed when reading the first collection. I'm going to write the name and author, one line about the plot and my rating of each story to give you an idea of how much they vary - in subject matter and quality.

Baby by Kit Reed - A childless woman, who is less than thrilled about parenthood, visits her sister who recently had a baby - an odd, creepy baby. Rating: 3/5

Ransom Cowl Walks the Road by Nancy Varian Berberick - A murderer who had died long ago, seems to have come back to life. Rating: 3/5

True Love by Patricia Russo - A historical horror about love. Rating: 1/5

In the Shadows of my Fear by Joan Vander Putten - A man who killed his girlfriend visits her body which he dumped in the ocean. Rating: 1/5

The Spirit Cabinet by Lisa Tuttle - A couple moves into an old house in the UK and realize it's haunted by a ghost, much to the delight of the girlfriend. Rating: 4/5

Hooked on Buzzer by Elizabeth Massie - A young woman punished by shock treatment as a child becomes addicted to it. Rating: 1/5

Little Maid Lost by Rivka Jacobs - A strange man with magical powers befriends a teenage girl who works in her parents' seedy motel. Rating: 2/5

Mother Calls But I Do Not Answer by Rachel Cosgrove Payes - A teenage girl with a harelip becomes obsessed with staring in the mirror, so she can see her friends who live inside. Rating: 3/5

Nobody Lives There Now. Nothing Happens. by Carol Orlock - Ghosts move into a house in a small town. Rating: 1/5

The Baku by Lucy Taylor - An American woman who recently moved to Japan becomes familiar with the legend of the Baku. Rating: 2/5

The Devil's Rose by Tanith Lee - Another historical fiction story about love and its repercussions. Rating: 2/5

Midnight Madness by Wendy Webb - A bargain hunter goes to a store holding a midnight madness sale to find it virtually deserted and eerie. Rating: 4/5

Monster McGill by Cary G. Osborne - A wrestling match turns violent when a wrestler the audience hates goes up against a fan favourite. Rating: 4/5

Aspen Graffiti by Melanie Tem - A woman whose husband going through a mid-life crisis left her, finds out what really happens to men when they leave their wives. Rating: 3/5

Sister by Wennicke Eide Cox - A young girl visits her sister's dead body at the lake everyday, and helps her get revenge on her killer/mother's boyfriend. Rating: 3/5

Samba Sentado by Karen Haber - A woman visiting her sister in Brazil becomes involved in voodoo. Rating: 4/5

When Thunder Walks by Conda V. Douglas - A woman who is accepted as a Navajo jeweler gets more than she bargained for. Rating: 1/5

Slide Number Seven by Sharon Epperson - A woman who works in a lab becomes infected with a deadly disease. Rating: 4/5

The Unloved by Melissa Mia Hall - Twin women rent out an apartment above their garage to a man who doesn't know they share a dark secret. Rating: 4/5

Cannibal Cats Come Out Tonight by Nancy Holder - Two best friends become addicted to eating human meat. Rating: 5/5

As you can see, I loved some of the stories and hated others. Some were painfully dull, but saved somewhat by the shocking twist ending. And others were the opposite: interesting all the way through but letdown by an ending that didn't live up to the rest of the story.

Some of my favourite stories might be worth slogging through the boring ones. I love cannibalism in fiction and loved Cannibal Cats Come Out Tonight, laughing out loud at the boys' list of celebrities they want to eat. Yum I bet Madonna tastes delicious. Also, since I work at a store during hours when it's mostly deserted (I start at 7:00 am), I can relate to the creepiness of being in an empty store, seen in Midnight Madness.

The best part of Women of Darkness is that now I have tons of new women horror authors to add to my reading list. Even though some stories didn't grab me, I would give all the writers another chance because 10 pages is such a short time to gauge an author's writing ability. I have already put a few books on hold at my local library.

Although the quality of Women of Darkness is somewhat spotty, I would recommend it if you can get it from the library or used for the right price.

Rating: 3/5

BOOK REVIEW: Urban Gothic by Brian Keene

Being a huge Brian Keene, fan I had been looking forward to Urban Gothic for months before it was released. But it took me almost six months to finish reading it. I got halfway through and gave up. It actually turned me off horror for awhile and made me wonder why I preferred gore and monsters over interesting characters. I don't, what I want is for my horror novels to have it all: fascinating characters that I don't want to see die, monsters and gore. But Urban Gothic focused more on the characters' torture than on their description and development. Eventually I got back to reading Urban Gothic (obviously, or else I wouldn't be reviewing it now) and found the second half to be better than the first.

Three young couples attend a rap concert and on the way home their car breaks down in a bad neighbourhood. When a group of young black men approach them, they become frightened and run away, hiding in an abandoned house. Or so they think - the house is actually inhabited by a family of mutant creatures.

The plot is a familiar one, but I didn't mind because it's a plot I love (almost) every time I encounter it. It's similar to Brian Keene's last novel, Castaways, which was also about monsters killing and eating people, but had a different setting (a tropical island).

The pace moves fairly quick, having the first mutant sighting/teen killing by the end of Chapter One. But the teens' efforts to hide or escape get old fast. Eventually Urban Gothic becomes dull and monotonous, which was the point I stopped reading. But when I picked the book up again months later, I was surprised to find that it wasn't as bad as I remembered. And it introduced a few fresh plot developments (killer mutant babies, for instance), which kept me reading to the end.

As I already mentioned, the area of the novel most lacking are the characters. Keene gives virtually no back story on them, making me careless about what happens to them and wonder why I should read any further. And because of this, I couldn't tell any of them apart. I spent the entire novel trying to identify Kerri from Heather, having to flip back to previous chapters to remember.

But I liked the group of black young men. They were the only interesting, non-stereotypical characters in the story and Urban Gothic would've been better if Keene focused on them more instead of the teens. And I did find the mutants (and mutant babies) disturbing.

It's not a bad novel, especially if gore interests you more than compelling characters. But if you're looking for a good mutant cannibal novel, I would stick with Ketchum's Off Season.

Rating: 3/5

MOVIE REVIEW: The Children

Wow, another killer kid movie. This seems to be turning into a killer kid week.... Unfortunately, The Children wasn't nearly as good as Orphan.

When two families spend Christmas holidays together, the children begin acting strangely and eventually start killing their family. But their parents can't bring themselves to murder their own kids.

The Children doesn't have much of a plot, just kids killing their parents, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, except that it never gives a reason for the kids going crazy. At first the kids get sick, so I guess it's some sort of illness that turns them into killers? I would've liked some more explanation on what the sickness was, why it was happening, etc.

All the characters, with the exception of teenage daughter Casey, were morons and I couldn't stand any of them. I know they're just kids, but if one of them had a knife and was about to stab me, I wouldn't just stand there staring. And as Casey said, Jonah (her mother's boyfriend/husband/whatever) really was a knob. I loathed him and hoped throughout the film that the kids would get him.

But the aspect of the film I hated the most was how a character would be shown screaming or gasping and then it would cut away to something else and not return to that character for 20 minutes. It's important for a film to have suspense, but it shouldn't torture the audience.

Even though I hated the characters they played, the actors gave great performances. Especially the kids, they were all very creepy.

The whole film was pretty creepy and the kill scenes were gory and shocking, especially when kids were killed. Even though they're crazed killers, they're still kids.

Overall, The Children isn't a bad film, but I think an explanation about why the kids went nuts and more likable, less moronic characters would've made it better.

Rating: 3/5