BOOK REVIEW: The Zombie Survival Guide: How to Live Like a King After the Outbreak by Etienne Guerin DeForest

There are several zombie survival guides out there, but none like this one. No other guide will explain how getting blackout drunk can help a zombie bite or how to turn a zombie into a sex slave. But luckily this one explains everything you need to know in order to "live like a king" after the zombie outbreak - from zombie crabs to zombie pimps.

The Zombie Survival Guide: How to Live Like a King After the Outbreak is crude yet hilarious. Several moments in the book had me laughing hysterically. Here's one of my favourite passages as an example:

When approaching a prospective human, first ask them what their name is.

• If it replies "Brains," blow its head off.
• If it replies "Brian," ask it again, as you may have encountered a zombie with a speech impediment, or a zombie that was mildly retarded in life.
• Keep in mind that it is entirely possible that you did encounter a human named "Brian."

That passage still cracks me up and there are plenty of other laughs. Including some from the amusing diagrams featured in the book.

But I should caution readers that if you don't like politically incorrect jokes, or get offended easily this is not the book for you. At times it can be racist, homophobic and just generally offensive. But as long as you don't take it too seriously, you'll find it funny.

The survival guide is very thorough including information on zombie history, origins of zombies, weapons, dealing with humans and zombies after the outbreak and training zombies. And it's a quick read at just 117 pages which fly by thanks to its entertaining content.

Overall, a very funny book that will "not only teach you how to survive the zombie outbreak, but how to do it with STYLE." If there is ever a zombie apocalypse this is the guide I will use to survive. It's available on Amazon for $7.99 and the Kindle edition is only 99 cents.

Rating: 4/5

E-book Sale!

Until December 31, the five e-books released by Books of the Dead Press will be 75% off on Smashwords. All you have to do is visit the Books of the Dead Press blog, get the promotion code for each book and type it in at the checkout. Every e-book is regular priced at $4.95, so after the discount they're only $1.24 each! These are the five e-books to choose from:

 Want the Greatest Zombie Stories Ever Written? BEST NEW ZOMBIE TALES Vol. 1 Includes Amazing Fiction by Ray Garton, Matt Hults, Jessica Brown, Kealan Patrick Burke, Jeff Strand, Robert Swartwood, Gary McMahon, Harry Shannon, Gord Rollo, Brian Knight, Simon McCaffery, John Grover, John L French, Kim Paffenroth, Charles Black, Jonathan Maberry, Steve Wedel, Bev Vincent and more...

Want the Greatest Zombie Stories Ever Written? BEST NEW ZOMBIE TALES (Vol. 2) Includes Amazing Fiction by: Bram Stoker Award Winner, David Niall Wilson, British Fantasy Award Nominee, Rio Youers, Bram Stoker Award Nominee, Nate Kenyon, Multiple Award Winning Author, Cody Goodfellow, Bram Stoker Nominee, Mort Castle Bram Stoker Award Winner, John Everson, and more... 

Classic Vampire fiction at its very finest! Includes amazing stories by: J. Sheridan Lefanu, M. R. James, F. Marion Crawford, Mary E. Wilkins Freeman, James Robinson Planche, Johann Ludwig Tieck, Bram Stoker, E. F. Benson, and Algernon Blackwood!

From the author of THE DEAD PARADE comes 13 tales of horror, suspense, and imagination. Enter the gore-soaked exhibit, the train of terror, the graveyard of the haunted. Meet the scientist of the monsters, the woman with the thing living inside her, the living dead... James Roy Daley unleashes quality horror stories with a flair for the hardcore. Not for the squeamish.

Killer on the warpath. Monsters on the street. Vampires in the night. Zombies on the hunt. Welcome to Terror Town, the place where no one is safe. Nothing is sacred. All will die. All will suffer. From the mind of James Roy Daley, author of The Dead Parade, comes one of the most brutally violent horror stories ever written.

Happy Holidays!

BOOK REVIEW: Dead of Night by C.M. Saunders

When Nick plans a camping trip for himself and his new girlfriend, Maggie, he ignores the stories about the location he has chosen. Supposedly the area was used as a burial ground for Civil War soldiers and several disappearances have been reported in the area. But Nick and Maggie learn the truth when they are woken by a Confederate zombie in the middle of the night.

The plot isn't the most unique, but Dead of Night is still entertaining for zombie fans. Although it has lots of gore, it isn't all about the blood and guts. Instead it is suspenseful and atmospheric. The scene where Nick wakes up in the middle of the night and first spots a zombie is tense. And being in the middle of nowhere, disconnected from the rest of the world with no one to turn to for help, added to the creepiness.

At the beginning, C.M. Saunders takes time to establish the characters, and although some may find that part slow, I found their relationship and discussion of Michael Jackson interesting. Since Nick and Maggie were well-developed I cared about them and found the story more interesting.

The Confederate zombies in Dead of Night were a little different than other zombies in fiction. They were more intelligent and were armed with guns - and could actually use them. Making Nick and Maggie's fight for survival even more challenging and exciting.

My only complaint is that, as most horror characters, Nick and Maggie made some stupid mistakes. But I suppose if they didn't this novella would only be 10 pages long.

Dead of Night is a quick, suspenseful read and recommended for all zombie lovers. You can buy the ebook from Damnation Books here for a mere $4.50 or from Amazon.

Rating: 4/5

MOVIE REVIEW: Saw 3D

I'm not a huge fan of the Saw franchise. I think the first one is okay, the second one is good, but the third one kind of sucks and made me lose interest in the subsequent sequels. ...Until a few months ago when Saw V and Saw VI were playing back to back on Super Channel and I decided to watch them, expecting nothing more than gore. And, to my surprise, I actually enjoyed them. Not as much as Saw II, but pretty close. They actually made me want to see the newest installment, Saw 3D. And when my favourite actress from Scream Queens Season 2, Gabby West, won a role in the film, I wanted to see it even more. So after finally convincing my horror movie hating boyfriend to go with me, I've seen it and think it was just okay.

The plot is the standard Saw fare: lots of gore and inventive traps, but with a few twists thrown in. I was surprised by the major plot twist in the movie, but it didn't make sense in context with the rest of the films in the series. In general, there wasn't much of a plot, just massive amounts of gore, which is what I expected and was looking forward to.

The 3D was unnecessary. It definitely wasn't worth the extra $2.50, since it was barely noticeable save for a few instances of blood and guts flying at my face.

But the biggest disappointment in Saw 3D was Gabby West's role. She had no lines - other than screaming, of course. Chester Bennington (from Linkin Park) even had more lines than her! If I had to endure catfights with bitchy actresses, John Homa's brutal acting class and just generally working my ass off to win a part in a film where I didn't have any lines and was only onscreen for 30 seconds, I would not be impressed.  Especially while the previous winner of Scream Queens, Tanedra Howard, had several lines in Saw VI, and in Saw 3D. Oh well, hopefully we'll see more of Gabby in other films.

I probably would have enjoyed Saw 3D if Gabby had a larger role, they had made more use out of the 3D and the big plot twist wasn't disappointing. But it's not a terrible choice if you're just looking for lots of gore.

Rating: 3/5

R.L. STINE BOOK OF THE WEEK: Cheerleaders: The Third Evil

Fight, fight, fight or die, die, die!

From the back cover:

IT'S BACK!

Did the evil spirit really leave Kimmy's body? The cheerleaders of Shadyside High can still feel its dark presence, and Corky knows that it is out there, somewhere close. And getting closer.

Corky is tormented night after night by dreams of her dead sister, Bobbi. What terrifying message is Bobbi trying to tell her? When the evil begins again - more horrible, more gruesome than ever - Corky knows it is up to her to learn the century-old secrets and destroy the evil spirit's power for good. But so many have died already - will Corky be next?

My thoughts:

I know it's Thursday and usually I do my R.L. Stine Book of the Week on Sunday, but I didn't have time to post it until now.

Cheerleaders: The Third Evil is probably the goriest of the series - just read the excerpt below for a sample. It's probably the most gruesome thing I've read from R.L. Stine so far. Except the body count is surprisingly low for a book with tons of gore. In fact, it's nonexistent. Not a single person dies in the book (excluding the flashback from the excerpt below, which I don't count). There a lot of bloody accidents, but nothing too serious, which was a disappointment.

The happily ever after ending was also a letdown. I guess you can't expect a book for teens to have lots of death and a not so typical, happy ending, but I thought this one was different since it had so much gore. Oh well, it's still an enjoyable Stine book.

Rating: 4/5

PG-13 gore: She saw herself murdering the man at the mill, the man who had caused her husband's accident. She saw the expression of utter disbelief on the man's face as she grabbed him and shoved him from behind. And she heard the crack and splat as she pushed his head under the mill wheel. And his head was ground up as fine as the corn.

The woman who lived in the big house on the hill was even easier to murder. And what pleasure Sarah had taken in the crime. What delight. After all, the woman insulted the Fears, insulted Simon Fear, insulted Sarah's dead husband, insulted the entire family.

She couldn't utter any insults with that length of clothesline wrapped around her neck. Sarah had pulled the clothesline tighter and tighter, until the woman's face was bright purple, as purple as the violets in her garden. So tight that the rope actually disappeared under the woman's skin. And the blood had flowed out in a perfect ring.

How lucky that Sarah was boiling up an enormous pot of potatoes when the young police officer arrived. She had only to shove his head deep into the boiling water, and wait.

What a struggle he'd put up. Thrashing his arms.

But Sarah had held his head under until the thrashing stopped. Until his breathing stopped, until he was dead, and he slumped lifeless over the black cast-iron stove.

All of his hair had floated off, floated to the top of the pot. And when she finally pulled him up, his head was as white as a boiled potato and nearly as soft.

Body count: 0


Next week: Cheerleaders: The New Evil

R.L. STINE BOOK OF THE WEEK: Cheerleaders: The Second Evil

Cheers - from the grave!

From the back cover:

OUT OF THE GRAVE

Corky Corcoran is sure it's just her imagination when she sees her dead sister rise from the grave. Or is it?

Corky is trying to put the nightmare of Bobbi's death behind her - she's back on the Shadyside cheerleading squad and has become friends with Kimmy and Debra. But everything is not back to normal for Corky - she hears horrible screams in the gym, her friend has become obsessed by the occult, and a strange young man is following her. And then the murders begin again....

Has the evil spirit from the Fear Street cemetery returned to destroy them one by one?

My thoughts: 

The second book in the Cheerleaders series is less cheerleading, more evil spirits, so I was a little disappointed because I found the cheerleading scenes to be the most entertaining parts. But there were still a few awful cheers to keep me interested:

We've got razzmatazz!
Pep, punch - and pizzazz!
Hey, you - you've been had.
Shadyside Tigers got razzmatazz!
RAZZMATAZZ!

I wasn't sure what razzmatazz was so I looked it up in the dictionary, and to my surprise, I learned it isn't a made-up word. It's another word for razzle-dazzle, which is also a real word apparently. Anyway, the Shadyside Tigers has razzmatazz in spades.

But one thing I hate is how Stine recycled scenes from the first book in this one. Kimmy fell during her pyramid flip in the first book, and the same thing happened to Corky in this book. In the first book, Corky happened to drive past the Fear Street Cemetery and see Jennifer dancing on Sarah Fear's grave. In this book, the same thing happened to Corky, except she saw Sarah Beth Plummer dancing on the grave. It's pretty disappointing when several climactic scenes in a sequel are just repeats of scenes from the original.

But the ending was exciting and original, and I was surprised by who the evil possessed. So, overall Cheerleaders: The Second Evil is entertaining, although not as much as the first book.

Rating: 4/5

PG-13 gore: She could tell that he was dead.

Sprawled there in his own blood.

She had to look away. She couldn't keep on staring at him.

She glanced up - and saw the power saw. And realized the steady whirring sound came from the power saw. The blade was spinning loudly.

Louder.

Even louder.

And then Corky's ear-piercing screams drowned out the roar of the whirring saw blade as she caught sight of his severed hand. His hand, cut off at the wrist, rested like a glove beside the blade.


Body count: 2

Next week: Cheerleaders: The Third Evil

T.V. REVIEW: The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror XXI

It's still Halloween on Fox tonight! The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror XXI aired tonight, along with Halloween episodes of The Cleveland Show, Family Guy and American Dad. And since it doesn't feel like Halloween until I see the new Simpsons Treehouse of Horror episode, I'm going to do a belated Halloween post and review the new episode.

The opening segment begins with Homer and Bart having a violent - and bloody - fight. Then Professor Frink warns the audience to use their DVR remote to fast forward through the violent scenes, demonstrating but ending up skipping the entire episode. He then says "I don't deserve to wield the remote," and fast forwards himself into a pile of dust.

Then Frankenstein says "Monster go watch The Office, Dunder Mifflin just like monster's workplace." And a spoof of the opening credits of The Office begins with a sign saying "Transylvania Welcomes You" and a building with the plaque "Monster Mifflin" is shown. Inside the building is a mummy getting his bandages stuck in a paper shredder, a zombie nuking a brain in a microwave and other various monsters.

As a fan of The Office, this was my favourite part of the episode. But don't worry, the rest of the episode is funny as well. Here are the three segments:

War and Pieces

When Marge catches Bart and Milhouse playing a violent video game, she forces them to play a good old fashioned board game. They choose a game called "Satan's Path" because "It's gotta be good if Satan put his name on it." It turns out to be even more violent than a video game when the game comes to life a la Jumanji, bringing all the other board games to life as well.

This segment was pretty funny, especially if you can relate to how much Mouse Trap sucks or ever wondered why Monopoly would include a lame game piece like a thimble.


Master and Cadaver

In a parody of the film Dead Calm, Homer and Marge are having a second honeymoon aboard a yacht when they spot a castaway (Hugh Laurie). After they help him aboard, he tells them how he narrowly escaped being poisoned on his boat, but Homer and Marge think he's the killer and is now trying to poison them.

I didn't find this segment to be funny at all, but I've never seen Dead Calm before, so I didn't understand any of the references.

Tweenlight

Lisa falls for the new student, Edmund (Daniel Radcliffe), who is a vampire and wants to turn Lisa into one.

This spoof of Twilight was the funniest of the three segments. I loved the part when they invited Edmund and his father for dinner, much to his dismay:"I'm 400 years old! I don't need a chaperone!" Marge didn't know what to cook, so she killed Ned and served him on a platter. And Homer keeps asking dumb questions: "If a mosquito bites you, does it become a vampire too? If you bite your tongue, does it become a vampire?" I also loved the scene where it shows the vampire area of Springfield, Dracula-La Land, where it shows "every kind of vampire there is." Including Bram Stoker's Dracula, Nosferatu, Count Chocula and The Count from Sesame Street.

Overall, this was a fun episode despite the mediocre middle segment.

Rating: 4/5

R.L. STINE BOOK OF THE WEEK: Cheerleaders: The First Evil

When the cheers turn to screams...

From the back cover:

"GIVE ME A D-I-E!"

Newcomers Corky and Bobbi Corcoran want more than anything to make the cheerleading squad at Shadyside High. But as soon as the Corcoran sisters are named to the team, terrible things happen to the cheerleaders.

The horror starts with a mysterious accident near the Fear Street cemetery. Soon after, piercing screams echo through the empty school halls. And then the ghastly murders begin...

Can Corky and Bobbi stop the killer before the entire cheerleading squad is destroyed?

My thoughts: R.L. Stine's Cheerleaders series sparked my obsession with Fear Street books. Being one of the first Fear Street books I read, I was impressed with how suspenseful and creepy it was. Now, re-reading it several years later, it's surprisingly just as entertaining as the first time I read it.

Cheerleaders: The First Evil is like The Exorcist meets Bring It On. It's about a possessed cheerleader who causes several horrible accidents at Shadyside High. There's a lot of cheerleader talk and petty high school girl fights, but I found that quite entertaining. Especially the scene where Kimmy confronts Bobbi about "stealing" her boyfriend, Chip, and starts a fight by pulling her hair.

This book also introduces my favourite R.L. Stine character of all time: Corky Corcoran. I don't know if I like her character or just enjoy saying her name. It definitely conjures up an image of a perky cheerleader. But bitchy, little Kimmy with her permanently crimped hair is a pretty fun character too.

And there are five books in the Cheerleaders series, including a Fear Street Saga explaining the origin of the evil entity. So we'll have plenty more of Corky and the gang, starting next week with Cheerleaders: The Second Evil.

Rating: 5/5

PG-13 gore: Her long hair fell off, strands blowing away in the breeze. Her eyes sank back into her skull, then rotted into dark pits. Her cheerleader costume appeared to grow larger as her flesh decayed underneath it, and her bones appeared.

Body count: 2

Next week: Cheerleaders: The Second Evil

John Skipp Appreciation Week

This week has been John Skipp Appreciation Week on Brian Keene's website. Keene posted several interesting interviews with Skipp, which I would like to share with you. Keene also posted the introduction he wrote for Skipp's novel, The Long Last Call, which reveals how Skipp's work impacted his career, which you can read here.

A 25th Anniversary Edition of The Light at the End was just released as an ebook by Crossroad Press and Animals will be released as an ebook sometime in November.